Every Day is a No Pants Day

I Was Right About the Fit

A Fit was indeed thrown. I have no idea what spanky guy sees in his ex. I really don’t. I was at his place gardening and playing WITH HIS SON.  He came outside and we sent his son back inside. His ex pulled up in a rage. She was screaming and yelling about “needing explanations” - she wanted him to take her back in a few months. The whole nine.

He told her, “I said on the phone you are not welcome here and I’m telling you now you are not.” But she kept insisting on “talking.” And spanky guy said, “No, not now and not like this.”

I don’t understand WHY or HOW he has let it go on like this except he’s just not over her OR he has no boundaries himself. (Probably both).  She really did seem bat shit crazy to me. She was just saying to me, “Did you know we did this and this and this?”  And I said to her, “I don’t care, that is history. IT IS OVER. O-V-E-R. You are crossing boundaries. You aren’t welcome here. We had to send his son inside. Is making people unhappy what makes you thrive because I don’t thrive on this.”   I turned to walk away. She might make me angry with her drama but I will NOT get hooked in by her shenanigans.

Spanky guy followed me and told her, “You have upset my family. You have upset my son. You have come here without invitation and I want you to leave and not come back.”
She started to get upset and said, “I want you to call me, I want to talk.” And he caved and said, “I will talk later.” And she said, “When later?”  And I didn’t listen to his answer. But I saw her leave.

Seriously. This is THE SECOND TIME she has come to his house in a rage when his son was home screaming and yelling. This time though - his son was awake and was able to SEE IT and HEAR IT. That is SO NOT OK.  I have no idea how he put up with that kind of bullshit. Meanwhile - I also believe IF he is really getting therapy and REALLY changing for himself - that kind of behavior (her shenanigans) will be easier for him to handle.

She has found a way to create SOME sort of drama almost every single day.  And when he stopped taking phone calls or answering her e-mails she just CAME to his house with no warning until she was there. It is bizarre. 

Relationship drama? (Isn’t that what is supposed to happen as two people work out things TOGETHER? WITHOUT the added drama of a third person?) Maybe I haven’t dated enough to see it. I can live my whole life without seeing more of it. She has done this TWICE is only a few short months since he has broken up with her. Though I can’t really hold it against him, and I can’t protect his son from it - I CAN protect me from it. Yuck. She just feels dirty and she makes me feel dirty and angry and ready to walk away just to stop it from my life. 

(I re-bought the book - “Boundaries: Where I End and You Begin” just so I can read it.  I feel like the two of them keep making me need to see boundaries continually. I keep needing to remind myself that I’m in charge of who and how people are allowed to treat me and talk to me and be in my life. This will be my refresher.

Surprises

Dear Boy Recording Journal:

Spanky guy and I had a conversation yesterday and he indicated that he had signed himself up for therapy and is interested in making changes FOR HIMSELF. He’s got a job interview on Monday. And he seemed like he’s been doing some thinking about where he wants his life to go.  He also indicated that he wants to have a longterm monogamous committed relationship with me. He realized that he made mistakes and wants to change and he wants “us” to have a different kind of relationship (even if we have to see a couples counselor a few times to get on track).  He also recognized that with his ex involved there are 3 of us in the relationship. 

I am giving it a shot because my brother likes him. And because I am very attached to him.  And because I have long avoided intimacy.  If a man is willing to work on HIMSELF - I can try too.  Meanwhile - I need to check in and make sure he’s REALLY doing it and not just saying things to keep me around. But he seemed sincere.  But real change needs to happen. 

(His ex will probably throw a fit if he IS being honest and he’s changing, getting his shit pulled together, and working towards something because watching someone change instead of being the same is hard when you’re used to them enabling you.)  She’s not even the mother of his child. She’s just his ex lover. If she does make drama - I’ll get to see how he engages with her — if he has boundaries — if HE will allow her to dictate and manage how he is engaging in a relationship with me.  Because she’s good at it.  And I’ve never been sure WHY he’s kept her around except that he’s not over HER yet.  He says its because she’s so good with his son - but NO ONE can be THAT GOOD if she’s creating so much drama she’s creating everything else in your life to fall apart (even your current relationship). 

And HE needs to change. Not for me - for him.  It isn’t her business what I do or what he does any more.  And…. I do need to see real change in how he engages with her - (and me). And he has to really be going to therapy and working on himself and jobs etc.  But I suppose all I have is time.  It is worth investing in.  (I didn’t make him make these decisions - he came to them himself). 

I want to be hopeful.  I also don’t want to put all my effort and energy into “a relationship.”  There is also ME, and my work, and my life.  I want to remember where my priorities are.  HE needs to do his work. I need to see where it is paying off.  *mental note*

A Decision

I had a great weekend with friends. I decided to put myself and my friends FIRST. It helped me put distance on spanky guy by not prioritizing him.  Oddly we had a GREAT day together yesterday. 

Of course, this morning he texted me and let me know his ex was coming over to till the garden and that she would be “helping” with the garden for the rest of the season. He INFORMED me rather than asking how I felt about it.  The same ex that has been a source of drama and unpleasantness daily. Calling him etc.  The only time I’ve met her was when she pounded down the door and screamed at me.

He never thought to let us meet and see how it felt.  He never ASKED me how *I* felt about it.

I realized today that he’s NOT the man for me and never will be. I don’t wish to be INFORMED of things. I don’t wish to have someone’s ex in my life (unless they can behave well).  And I don’t wish to have someone elevated over me. And mostly - I’m NOT poly and I don’t want to be ever. I know I was “exploring my sexuality” for a while, but I’m in a place where I want to be OK to be safe with someone in a relationship and not just have sex.

So I have decided in my heart not to be with Spanky guy. I called and let him know that it wasn’t respectful.  I also was GLAD I didn’t have plans with him the rest of this week.  I have already begun to see my life without him.  And yes it will hurt. It does hurt.

Any man who wants ME will pick ME. (And not his ex). 

I also have to deal with the under the table job stuff today. (Hopefully without burning bridges).

Now to get on with my research, my friends, a rich life, exercise, and healing and releasing patterns so I CAN meet someone. (I deleted my online dating account and I’m not planning to open it back up right now. We’ll see how it goes).

Under the Table But No Money

Good things for today - I got 36 pages of my research sorted and put together.

Frustrating things - I’ve been working “under the table” for a gaming store that I very much enjoy. I can work at my own pace and even take work home if I’m not feeling well etc. I was only working 2 days a week.  They NEVER paid me what they SAID they would but were at least giving me SOME money.  The last 2 weeks they stopped paying me all together but I kept going in.  I also have been building up “store credit” which I have not taken. Today I finally asked for 4 items (3 used books and 1 new book).  The owner overcharged me but gave me $100 of credit for what SHOULD be $55 of items. AND HE STILL DIDN’T PAY ME.  It was week 3.

I will go back in next week and get a few more things in store credit (because they are things I cannot afford otherwise) and then I suppose I will quit.  I find it frustrating because I really did enjoy being around the games and the people. I just DO NOT STEAL and I show up on time and work. Or if I am too sick to work, I take it home.  I don’t like being taken advantage of like that.  He’s making money on me and being unfair.

(I NEEDED the job for my medication and gas money. They know that and yet still take advantage of me - which in my world makes them even more reprehensible.)

Therapy Session

Also - spanky guy and I went to a park to talk (NOT to get back together - because we had not- we were apologizing and recognizing our friendship was valuable and I still wanted to see his son. He didn’t have enough time to take me back home so he took me to my therapy session.  My therapist invited him into my session- and he sat in on it.  It felt a little vulnerable (especially because we were not a couple and it NOT a couple’s counseling session).  However, it was enlightening for me personally. 

The questions she asked him and me both brought up many childhood, fear, and relationship patterns.  She challenged us both to continue to stay in a relationship and not throw in the towel.  (Essentially - not break up over a fight, but break up consciously.)  Ultimately I wrote down several key questions for the two of us and then dozens of things for ME and her to work on came up and she wrote them down.  I said, “there are no accidents” and she said, “No, and I enjoy surprises - when people bring their dogs or family or someone they are dating to a session.”

Spanky guy drove me home and said, “I read the book on relationships you left at my house.” (Which shocked me. And it also left me to believe he WANTED something positive in a relationship and he was actually working on it.)  He had also mentioned to the therapist that he wasn’t professionally where he wanted to be and where he was last year and that he wanted to get back there.

Basically- I need to refrain from “overgiving” to someone. I need to take care of me and not expect someone to rescue me.  And I need to not “lose myself” in a relationship.  And… most of all (this came up in the session)… we will all come up with “acid splashes” when shit does come up.  It WON’T feel good. And as long as we agree to step back from it and NOT break up but say, “Let’s reflect on what we WANT from this” people CAN heal and unlearn patterns.  Later- we can decide that being a couple won’t work… but NOT in that intense moment.

Meanwhile - *I* recognized in the session that a LOT of what comes up for me is childhood nurturing and abandonment stuff. (She pointed it out).  And yes- it did feel vulnerable and a little embarrassing. I don’t WANT to have this crap to deal with.  I don’t WANT to have to focus on it.  But… guess what. I can deal with it or I can ignore it and go on living like I do…

It is my choice (spanky guy or no spanky guy).  He’s not really the point.  He happened today- but the point is - *I* need to focus on me and not hyper focus to avoid.

We agreed to try again… but we are “only dating” now. I’m going to try to focus as much as I can on my career and friendships and my family. And DATING spanky guy - on knowing him and who he is.  On letting him SHOW ME that he wants something good for himself. On letting him SHOW ME (in deed and in word) that he wants something more in his life. Then I can worry about me and not HIM. And I don’t have to worry about being HIS rescue either.

Anyway- we will see. It was bizarre how this happened because I thought I’d be telling my therapist that I was broken up today- not taking spanky guy there and letting her meet him.  What a turn of events. Life.

Another Confession

I’m feel a little PTSD from dealing with my dad’s cancer so much.  I was able to go out this weekend without worrying about his trach or his feeding tube and I didn’t know WHO I WAS.

(At stage IV I was getting ready for him to die - and now if he isn’t and is actually going to live- I have to work myself into handling that too.) Which is odd.  I’M HAPPY. I just didn’t know I’d feel so spent and exhausted from it… I thought I’d feel victorious and energized.

More Breaking Up (Again)

So spanky guy and I broke up (again) (again).

Um. Did I tell you that already?

I can’t help but think I’m 1/2 of the problem. And you know… he’s the other half.

YES- I pick men who are either UNAVAILABLE (because they aren’t into me or don’t do relationships or are poly are just can’t love etc etc) or two are going to freak me out by having sex with multiple partners and flare my insecurity… but guess what- I’m pretty sure I’d be insecure and freaked out no matter what. 

Anyway- I think maybe I’m hard to love and I’m terrified to love both. I’m afraid to trust. And I’m OK to love people but if they don’t love me back the way I think they should I get hyper critical… plus— you know— (that whole having your ex over to spend the night thing… yah).

Meanwhile - I am not perfect and I don’t think I have communicated my needs well NOR have I protected myself well nor have I spent time taking care of myself. Rather than just DO what I wanted to care for my needs I would be all loving then resent when spanky guy didn’t act appreciative.

(That whole give till I hurt thing).

I did it in several past friendships and relationships.

Anyway… Today- though we are broken up - I tended his mom’s garden (she has dementia) and put flowers in and made it as nice as possible.  I MISS my garden.  I can’t garden here and it was my last goodbye.  I will miss his son.  And frankly- I LIKED gardening.  I had to remove his name and number from my cell phone to avoid texting or calling. AND - I need to now focus on ME.

It hurts to break up.  And - that is part of life. Oddly- it is harder for me to “be single” now only because I MISS being a couple and having “couple dreams.” Meanwhile - that is part of my resentment I was carrying. I would give a $50 gas gard to spanky guy (I NEEDED IT) and he’d use it. Then we’d go to a movie and he’d grumble about the location and I’d feel so slighted… like I wasn’t appreciated. Then he’d say, “I’m tired that everything I do is wrong.”  It was like BOTH of us were walking around feeling unappreciated all the time… when mostly- if I just let him fill his tank up and NOT given him the card - he’d deal with it… then if he didn’t like the location of the movie, I’d say, “Oh- well, next time YOU can pick it.” But instead, I took it personally, like I’d been being nice all day.  It was one of those things.

Its part of my make up to take care of people… and then if they don’t take care of me back or be sweet to me I feel overlooked.  And - he’s not a super gushy guy.  He’s just not. In many ways he is a typical guy. So… that’s that.

It is time for me to FOCUS ON ME. Focus on what I want. And frankly- I need to continue to unlearn and let go of old patterns because *I* was very much part of this. If there was something I didn’t like or I wanted or that made me nervous or unsafe - I just needed to say.

Meanwhile - I’m very sorry I feel so afraid and nervous being in a relationship.  I’m so sorry this one didn’t go the way I wanted… and I’m also recognizing I picked it. I picked it back when he was fucking multiple people. And - he would continue to do so no matter what. His lack of money and job would make me feel unstable too — AND I NEED TO FOCUS ON ME and my job and my stability, NOT HIS.

I will miss his son and him and sex. I am sorry that *my* relationship fears got bound up in this. And - I hope I learn (and unlearn) a lot from this when I’m done hurting.

CONFESSION

CONFESSION: Married men in my groups and hobbies seem to think I am flirting with them. The single men do not. (I treat everyone - men, women, kids, all the same way - sweet, friendly, kind hearted. I DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEXUAL STUFF). I do believe the married men are just bored and finding a reason to cheat. I NEED my friends. I’m considering not having any more married guy friends or even male friends because I am tired of this.

I Can Change Me

I just re-read some of the things from my conference where I presented.

About surrounding myself with people who make me feel safe and good. Only letting people into my home that create a calm and supportive feeling for me… And about keeping myself harmonious by doing mental hobbies if I do physical work and physical hobbies if I do mental work.

I need to follow through. *I* need to follow through.

It is OK for me to be brave even if it makes my heart sad for a moment. Spanky guy is just a boy. I’m better than someone who doesn’t do that for me. I’m better than someone who doesn’t make me feel cherished and supported and loved and prioritized.

HE WAS. After my birthday he was coming over for breakfast and COMPLETELY making me feel all of those things… but now he isn’t. I don’t need to chase a boy.

Tonight (since our special plans were cancelled) I hung out with some friends and we had the best time just watching a movie and visiting. We laughed and enjoyed each other. They always compliment me and make me feel SO special. All my friends do.

I love my friends. I enjoy them.

I need to focus on ME. I need to focus on my FUTURE (and live in the right now).  This is going to hurt a little. I’m having a hard time TRULY making up my mind to kick spanky guy to the curb only because I am SO SO SO very attached to him. 

REAL relationships are worth working on and keeping. But I remember after my marriage fell apart. Looking back on it there were SO many warning signs and red flags. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. But if a man isn’t WORKING on a relationship and taking care of me and showing up for me - I’m better off alone. Even though I ache - I truly ache to say it - to feel it - to admit it. It is true.

A man who lets me down - who lets other women in his bed - who breaks my trust and intimacy and doesn’t whole heartedly love me will never be THE ONE for me. Now… when I am just having spanky fun and exploring my sexuality and keeping myself from getting attached and being a one day a week thing… well… it still hurt. But this is different. It is growing different because I am wanting something - I am looking for someone - a man who chooses me - picks me - wants ONLY ME - and is happy to have me.

What’s the point? THIS IS NEVER GOING TO BE THAT MAN.

He needs to be himself. And I need to recognize that instead of being unhappy that he doesn’t follow through or care about me- just let him go. Just - let him go.  He’s a spanky guy. Someone you enjoy in the moment. Not someone you invest in for the long term. 

Too bad I got wrapped up in him.  Now to untangle my heart. I can see why I did it.  I can see why he was so intoxicating to me.  He is fun, he is light. He isn’t “risky.” But you know what. If I am to have self-esteem. If I am to heal. If I am to release patterns - I NEED to recognize that a man like him isn’t right for me. Not in the long run. 

He’s right for exploring one’s sexuality. He’s NOT the guy to expect to be there a decade down the road.

I need to make dates with myself and slowly phase him out of my life. Maybe that will be easier than a clean break. Like weaning off an addictive substance. Maybe I can keep doing my research and writing AND try to date other people… so I can see what it is like to be treated well?  Over time we all show our “true” colors… but a guy like him means no  harm. He just doesn’t want commitment or investment.

I do. I’m allowed. I need to decide if I want a clean break or open dating or a slow fade. But he won’t change. I CAN CHANGE MYSELF. And I don’t want a man like him who will trade intimacy, not invest in himself professionally, and not work for me emotionally.

Yes- I’m angry at him for being with his ex right now. Though he posed it under the guise of “helping” her.  YES it is easier for me because of the betrayal and plan cancelling.

I need to hold steady. I need to focusing on ME. I need to keep having my friends and making new ones and maintaining my interests and NOT focus on him. I will come up with a strategy. I’m very sad right now because I really like him. I do. I wish he were interested in himself and me… I wish he wanted more out of life and worked for himself.. and well… I wish he was monogamous and wanted ME. But that would be a different man. So - there ya go. You can’t change people. You can love them the way they are and find a different way to be in their lives.